Boyfriend wants to wed because he took my virginity

Dear Pastor,

I am 18 years old and from the time I turned 16, my mother has been warning me not to bring any 'belly' to the house.

My mother knew that I had one of my schoolmates as my boyfriend. He was only six months older than me, but she was always saying to me that he acts as if he is a big man and his pants front is very large, so he was either having sex or would want to have sex with me. I told this guy what my mother said, and he laughed and said my mother is looking too far.

Anyway, I broke up with him because he got involved with another girl. I know they had sex because she came to school and was talking about it. One day I decided to ask my mother how it felt when she had sex with my father for the first time, because she told me that it was my father who took her virginity. She said the hymen is what a woman has and if it is not broken, she can call herself a virgin.

My mother wanted to know why I was questioning her about herself, so she came right out and asked me if mine is broke and I told her no, and that I have never had sex. The conversation ended there. I remained a virgin until I met my present boyfriend. He was also a virgin, so the both of us were inexperienced. He was spending a weekend with his aunt and she was a Seventh-day Adventist. So she left for church and I went up to the house, and we started to experiment. He was circumcised, so he didn't bleed at all. He entered me and broke my hymen. Both of us knew when it happened because of what I said. There was some blood, but not a whole lot.

My boyfriend tells me we are hooked to each other for life because every man should marry the girl whose virginity he took. But I love this man because he is ambitious and he wants to have his own business.

I introduced this man to my parents and the first thing my mother asked me when she met him was, "Is this the man you are having sex with?" But I didn't answer and she told me that she knew that I was having sex because she saw blood on my underwear.

D.M.

Dear D.M.,

I would like to begin by telling you that many women were virgins, but they had lost their hymen.

You should bear in mind that the hymen is just a piece of tissue that covers the entrance to the vagina. Many women have broken their hymen due to the sports they engage in. Women who engage in horseback riding and bicycling can break their hymen. Even women who use tampons break their hymen before having sexual intercourse.

A woman who has sex for the first time may feel a sharp pain and bleed a little. However, if she is sexually abused, the experience could be devastating. Your mother was watching you quite a bit, and you were very careless to have your underwear where your mother could see it. Some parents do examine their daughters' underwear, similar to how some men examine their wives' underwear to find out whether they are seeing other men.

Your boyfriend told you that any man who has sex with a woman for the first time should be his wife. I have heard that argument before. If that is true, most men in Jamaica (I believe) would have married the wrong women. I am almost tempted to say that line of argument is nonsensical.

I could only hope that this man will be good to you and that both of you would learn to love each other and take care of each other. I wish you well.

Pastor