Fiancé is being stubborn about having a big wedding

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you for your help. I am living with my babyfather. We are not married, and it doesn't seem as if he intends to marry me.

We have been living together for four years. Whenever I go to the country with him, my parents are always asking us when we are going to get married. My father is one of the elders in his church and he always tells me that I have disappointed him, because he never wanted to see me living in concubinage. I have two sisters and two brothers; both sisters are married, as well as one of my brothers.

My daughter does not share the same room with us, but sometimes she leaves her bed and lays down with us. I have spoken to my boyfriend about keeping his clothes on, because most of the time he is on the bed in either his underpants or completely naked. We are not making a lot of money, but we are earning enough to get married. I told my fiance that he should buy me a nice ring and we can come to you and have you officiate at our wedding. He wants us to have a splash. He comes from a large family, so he wants everybody to be there. I told my father what he said, and my father said he will give us a goat and a pig, but even that, my fiance said, would not be enough.

I have given him an ultimatum. I am getting offers in America to work there and if this man does not make up his mind to marry me, I am going to accept an offer from aboard and leave him. He thinks I am joking, but I am not. My colleagues have gone and they say that I am brighter than them, so I will do well where they are. I did not want to have a child out of wedlock, but it has already happened. What can I do to get this man to understand that I am embarrassed living with him and he is not making any effort to marry me?

B.M.

Dear B.M,

The time will come when you have to put your foot down. One reason why I do not encourage any woman to live with a man before they get married is because some of these men think the women can't do better, and they say all the time, why buy a cow when they can get milk free? They can come in and have sex with the woman. They have their clothes properly washed, and the house is clean. Some don't assist in the cooking of the meals, but they eat and drink and hit their stomach and say, 'This is life.'

Your father is right; you have embarrassed him by living in concubinage, and that was not something he expected. This man doesn't care; but I repeat, it is time for you to put your foot down. I don't like for a spouse to give an ultimatum, but sometimes it is necessary to do so.

You did not give your age, but do not stay with this man until you are old and grey and then life becomes very difficult for you. The idea of having a big wedding is ridiculous. Tell this man what are your plans for your future, and if he is not ready to fit into these plans, quietly put them in place and execute these plans. America is the land of opportunity, and if you are sure that you can go there and do well, I would encourage you to do so before you get older. Have a good day.

Pastor