My wife is no longer interested in sex

Dear Pastor,

I am a 27-year-old married Christian. My wife and I have two children. My wife is a businesswoman.

She went to university and has a degree in business. We have been married for five years. We are able to pay our rent without any difficulty. We are trying to save to purchase our own home. We read your column all the time. We have taken advice from you, and that is why I have decided to write to you for your opinion.

The first time my wife got pregnant, we were very excited; and I became even more excited when I realised that she was carrying a boy. Everything went well with us. Family members helped us and even when my wife went back to work, my mother took care of the baby. I am very active at church. My wife can't always attend because of her work. My wife got pregnant with the other child, so we employed a helper. This girl is very good with the new baby. She takes care of the baby and she does general housework. I pick up the first child from the nursery whenever I leave work.

Our sex life is not the same and it is worrying me. How long does it take for a woman to get back in the mood for sex? My wife is never in the mood since she had our second child. If I didn't know better I would think that my wife is cheating, but I wouldn't accuse her of that. Sometimes I have to help myself by masturbating, and she knows that I am doing so, but it doesn't bother her. I don't' know what to do otherwise, so I am asking for your advice.

T.S.

Dear T.S,

I am glad that you have confidence in your wife. You know that she is not cheating on you, and when she says that she is not in the mood and she has no desire to make love, she is genuine.

Perhaps she is indeed exhausted from the demands of her job, and even from coming home and caring for the two children. I am glad you are able to employ a helper, but children are very sensitive and their mother's hug is so much different from a helper's. So the demands of the children might be taking away so much energy from your dear wife, and the desire for sex is not in her mind at all. Perhaps that is why when she sees you masturbating, she does not say anything or condemn you because she knows that you are helping her. Although you are angry, she probably says, "I wish I can do better."

You'd believe that she should show a little more concern for you and a little more interest in sex. Some sex therapists say that it is not unusual for some young mothers to get back into the groove of having sex before one year. But some doctors say that it is quite OK for a woman to resume sex after three months. Some women find it difficult in that time because they feel they are not ready. There are so many things you and your wife can do apart from penetration. I would suggest that you think about these things and learn to hug and squeeze as hard as you can. That's all I have to say.

Pastor