Want to tell my son about his real dad

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am 26 and I have one child, but this child is not for my husband.

I had him by another man when I was 23 years old. This other guy and I went to college together and we were very close. He used to assist me in some of my difficult assignments. He was very smart. He also confided in me. He was not a saint, but he did not talk a lot.

When it came to sex, he was very good at that. Sometime I had sex with him as payment for helping me in my difficult assignments. But I knew that he had his girlfriend. Unfortunately, we had sex and the condom broke and we were not aware of it. Where we were in the country, it was not possible to get the Pill to solve this problem. That happened on a Saturday night and we did not get into Kingston until late the Sunday evening. I bought the Pill on Monday and took it. I explained to the pharmacist what had happened and she said she believed that it was too late, and she was right.

When I realised that I was pregnant and I told him, he asked me if I would get rid of the pregnancy. I told him no, but I would not let his girlfriend know that he got me pregnant. I kept that as a secret between the both of us, and he provided me with everything for the baby. I lied to my folks about who got me pregnant. I told them I was raped but I did not want to report the rape. To this very day, my parents believe that I carried a rapist's child.

When this man got married, I cried all day and I hated him, and I told him so. But the way I felt in my heart about him did not last. I wish I could have taken the morning- after Pill, but we were in a camp and could not leave. I told this man that he should tell his wife about our son, but he has not done so as yet. I plan to tell my son who is his real father when he is five years old. This guy now has a daughter and she is doing well. He continues to give me money for his son and I have kept my promise that I will not let him down and divulge who the biological father is.

At what age do you believe it would be appropriate for my son to hear the truth?

N.S.

Dear N.S.,

I am tempted to tell you that the safest age I know for a child to know who their biological father is, is when you believe that it would not cause confusion in the child's mind, and that the child would not insist that they want to meet with the father as early as possible.

Many will not agree with me, but your son has lived with you and he does not know his biological father. Do you think that to tell him now wouldn't confuse him? Would it not be better for you to wait until he is older? I don't know, I am only asking questions. I stand corrected any day. But I believe that your son would be in a better mental state if you were to wait until he is about 12 years old to tell him about his true daddy and prove to him that his dad has supported him throughout the years.

Before I go, I would like to ask these questions. Is your husband aware of who the biological father of your son is? Have you ever discussed the matter with him? It would be good to know how he feels about your desire to tell your son who is his father when he is five years old.

Pastor