Boyfriend refused when I offered sex

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and so is my boyfriend. I love him very much. He is my third boyfriend.

My first boyfriend is now living in America. His parents were living there while he was living in Jamaica with his grandmother, but they filed for him and he left. I loved him so much that I cried when he was leaving. He promised me that he would come back to Jamaica when he is able and marry me, but after a while, I did not hear from him regularly. Finally he told me the truth; he had got involved with another girl, so I told him that I wished him well.

Soon after, I did a very bad thing. I had sex with his best friend. He was always telling me that he loved me, but I should not tell my boyfriend about it. We went out one day and it happened. I felt like I had let down myself. The guy was so rough, I told him that I would never give him another chance in my life. So the relationship did not go further.

I am now in college just like my present boyfriend. He comes from a very decent family. When he wanted us to go out, although I made my own decisions, he came to our house and told my parents where he was taking me. He told them that they should not be worried, he would bring me back early. He came to the house driving his father's car. My neighbours looked out because this was the first time they were seeing a man coming to the house in such a lovely vehicle; I felt very proud. When I came out of my house and walked to the car, he opened the door for me, and closed it when I was in. He took me to Port Royal for fish and took me home by 10 p.m.

I have not met his parents in person, but I have spoken to his mother on the phone and she says he is always talking about me and he loves me. His father is a hard-working man. His mother is a teacher. I believe that this guy is too good for me.

I hesitate to tell you this, but I must. After we went out on three dates and he did not make a 'move', I asked him if he did not want to have sex with me because I was in the mood. He told me he did not want us to have sex in his father's car and he did not have enough money to go to a hotel, so I should wait. I felt embarrassed after he answered me.

Sometimes we study together, but I find it hard to concentrate on my schoolwork. So I asked him questions on the phone. As I am writing this letter, I feel wet. Do you think that I am bad?

C.P.

Dear C.P.,

Let me answer your last question first. I do not think that you are bad, but I must urge you to try to control yourself. It is natural for a woman to have sexual urges, but she has to learn to keep her body under control. I am not here to preach to you, but one writer in the Bible says that he learned to keep his body under subjection. Everybody has to learn that one cannot just yield to his fleshly desires. These desires will come upon a woman or man. Some older Jamaicans may put it this way, they say that 'nature calls'.

A young man or woman needs to understand that if they 'yield to nature' as they put it, they may end up with unplanned children and they will carry the responsibility for those children for many years.

Concerning your first boyfriend who went abroad and got involved with another woman, I am sure that you have learned to get over him. You made a mistake when you had intercourse with his best friend. I hope that your present boyfriend and you will continue to have a good relationship. Don't throw yourself at him and cause him to believe that you are cheap. Give the relationship time to develop. You can never tell, both of you may eventually get married.

Pastor