Older lover can’t keep up in bed

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column from I was a young girl. I am now 40.

I was married, but my husband died, so I am a widow. My husband did not own a house, so I was homeless when he passed. I was very lucky to find a man who is 70. I knew him from he was much younger and I was just a girl. He is a pensioner.

We became very close friends. I asked him if I could move in with him, because he had a three-bedroom house and helper's quarters. He has three children; two girls and one boy. The boy was living with him at the time. He asked his son whether he would object to have me live there and his son told him that it was up to him. He did not tell his son the whole truth. He told him that I would be like a helper and a caregiver, because the helper couldn't manage.

I was sitting right there with them when they were discussing whether I should come there. His son told him that he should do whatever he likes and that he was planning to go and live with his girlfriend. I went to live at this man's house, and I tried my best to keep it clean and in proper order. His daughters spoke to me regularly. To cut a long story short, this man and I were doing our thing. I knew that his son was not a fool. Even after he moved out, he came to the house at any time because he had his own keys. Sometimes when he came, I was in his father's room, on his bed.

This man told his children that he does not want to lose me, and he feels that it is better for him to propose to me and marry me. I would marry him. He is a pensioner and he gets enough money to take care of himself and the home, and his daughters send him money often. But when it comes to the bedroom business, he falls down. He cannot maintain an erection, and he says that I am too tight, so he uses Vaseline to be able to enter me.

His doctor has been trying to help him. He doesn't hide anything from me. I told him that he need not worry; I will not cheat on him. But I am concerned; his son doesn't say a whole lot to me, but his daughters who live in the US talk to me freely. They want him to come and visit in August and they are encouraging me to travel with him, but I do not have a visa. I must also let you know that they pay me as his helper, but our relationship goes beyond that. What advice can you give to me?

P.A.

Dear P.A.,

You and this man's son know the truth. It is likely that he has told his sisters that you are more than a helper.

They might not ask you anything about the type of relationship that you are having with their father, but they are adults and you should not believe that you can fool them. I am glad that they are supporting their father financially, and I am glad that he gets a good amount of money as pension. You should try your best to keep the house clean, and also see to it that this man does not spend all the money he receives from his children and pension. I should also caution you not to waste your money, but to put away some of what you earn.

You were well aware of this man's age; he is not a young man any more and he is not fast on the draw, so to speak. You have not stated why he is suffering from sexual dysfunction, but I am sure that his doctor will do his best to help him. I must say to you that you should not encourage this man, or you should not use Vaseline as a lubricant in your vagina; that may cause infection. Any lubricant that is used in the vagina to help a couple to have good sex should be water-based. So please bear that in mind. You should know whether you love this man enough to marry him.

When your husband died, he left you in poverty, so to speak, but life has changed for you. You and this man should go and see a counsellor who has years of experience. The counsellor should be able to give you some guidance. I wish you well.

Pastor