Can’t forget my troubled past

Dear Pastor,

I'm a regular reader of your column from I was a child growing up. Dear Pastor was the only page in THE STAR that used to get saved in my house. My cousin and I used to take turns in reading your column.

This is my first time writing to you. I'm a 25-year-old woman and I have gone through many problems. When I was a child, I did things that I am not proud of and I have prayed about them and asked for forgiveness. But it doesn't matter how hard I try to forget those things; I just can't. I often sit and wonder why I have done those things. Growing up, I was sexually abused by my cousin, one of my uncles and my stepfather. My mom only knew about my uncle because one night she sent me to his house for something and he sexually abused me and I told her. Pastor, the worst part is that I also abused my younger brother and cousins.

When I remember these things, I cry and get depressed. I pray sometimes and ask that God may remove these memories from me. I wish I could erase my past. I have slept with so many different men to send myself through school. My mom was in my life, but my dad wasn't. I can say that as a single mother, she has done her best raising the five of us. But I just think she should have done more to protect me, because she wasn't strict.

I met a good man in 2020 and before we even had sex, he told me that he was serious about me and wanted us to get married. We have had many ups and downs, but he took great care of me. He has done so much for me, and now we are planning to get married. But Pastor, I can't seem to stop being unfaithful, and that hurts because he is a good man to me. Even though I am not sleeping with anyone other man at the moment, I still entertain them and I know they like me. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and I have only cheated on him twice with two different men. On one occasion we weren't talking to each other and I was lonely. I never cheated on him during the first two years of our relationship, but I did when things started going bad for us.

Pastor, my boyfriend doesn't have an idea about my past. I have only discussed one of my incidents of abuse with him. Please tell me what to do. I am afraid that one day my past may come to light. I just want to be a better person for myself and my partner, but my old ways have a way of coming back as soon as my partner and I are in an argument. I have been trying to stop indulging in these things, but I still talk to men on the phone, and they send me money. I have even engaged in phone sex with them. Please help me.

K.T.

Dear K.T.,

I am deeply touched by your letter. I see that you are reaching out for help and I know that almighty God can deliver you.

You want to experience spiritual deliverance. You have been used by wicked men, including those from the homes in which you grew up. Your letter is proof that men are depraved. It seems to me that there was no privacy in your home, and you were not respected by the men. So everybody sexually abused you. Then you, in turn, sexually abused your brother and your cousin.

I am not condemning you; I am just sorry to hear about what you have gone through. That is why I have said that you need spiritual deliverance; and only God can do that for you. He can lift the burden you are carrying and set your mind free. Burdens are lifted at Calvary, so you need to spend time in much prayer and fasting. I know that God can heal your mind and bring deliverance to you. Be in touch with me.

Stop entertaining these other men by engaging in phone sex. Have one man in your life. But please do not tell him all the things that you have done in the past because if you do, it will not help the relationship.

Pastor