Husband’s mother runs his life

Dear Pastor,

I hope you can help me. I am 24 years old and I have been married for three years.

My husband is a very charming and loving man, but he will not stop taking advice from his mother. His father died when he was 12 years old, so his mother and grandmother raised him. One of the things that drew me to my husband was the fact that he loves his mother very much. His mother and his aunt supported him through high school and college.

The first thing he did when he started working was to buy his mother a washing machine. For years, she washed with her bare hands. He could not let her continue to wash like that. The house that he was raised in had two bedrooms. He built another room onto the house. He told me that that room was for him and his wife. I went to live with them after we got married. I stayed there for only a year and a half, because I discovered that this man was not yet weaned from his mother's breast. While I was living there, he told her everything. One day I asked him whether he told his mother how often we had sex. He became annoyed with me and said if he had any reason for telling her, he would.

I am writing to you because although we have left his parents' house and are living four miles away from them, my husband goes there every day. I asked him why he doesn't call instead of going to the house and he said he prefers to see his mother and grandmother; and when he goes, they are happy to see him, too. Any plans we make for ourselves, they have to approve it.

I am a nurse and I have the opportunity to work abroad. At first, my husband was excited about it, but after discussing it with his mother and grandmother, he has changed. He is saying that we do not have any children, so we are not in any big need. He said we should stay in Jamaica, and that he does not want to leave them alone. I need not emphasise that I love my husband, but this is going to cause us to break up. I am young enough to get another man. I hate to talk this way, but I am so upset. Please tell me how you see it.

V.D.

Dear V.D.,

When two people are married they should become inseparable.

They love their parents, and the love that they have for their parents will be forever. But they should not depend upon their parents or their in-laws for anything, including advice. The Bible says the man must cleave to his wife. His wife must become a part of him, and he a part of her. Both should be committed to each other. Any couple who does not live like that will have serious problems. Parents should not meddle in their children's lives and should not make decisions for them.

I understand the love your husband has for his mom and grandmother, but he has to learn to break loose from them. Even if they try to advise him, he should not accept their advice over yours. It seems to me that your husband is a mama's boy. He means well, but I repeat, he has to put you first in his life. There is no need for him to go and see his mother and grandmother every day if they are in good health. He may call them, but he does not have to see them.

The opportunity that you have now to go abroad to work can cause you to earn much more than you are earning now. You were excited about it, but now that your husband is listening to advice, evil thoughts, such as leaving him, have entered your mind. Don't entertain these thoughts. Make an appointment for both your husband and you to meet with a family counsellor and discuss the problems.

I hope that good sense may prevail. Put the thought of divorce behind you; don't entertain that at all. Please write to me again.

Pastor