Alcohol is ruining my husband’s nature

Dear Pastor,

I am in my early 40s and I have been married for seven years. My husband and I have two children, but I had one before I was married.

He lives with his grandmother. When I met my husband, he told me he did not want to support another man's child, so my mother decided to keep him because he is her first grandchild. He is doing very well in school. He does not like my husband. I believe that is because his grandmother told him that my husband did not want him to live with us.

Whenever my husband sees him at the house, he treats him well, but my son always wants to go back home to be with his grandma. Over the years, my husband developed two serious problems; gambling and alcohol. He gambles every day. I have to insist that he brings home money every week from his job. But now it is challenging, because the company where he works sends his money to his bank account. I have the account number, so I went into the account without telling him and withdrew some of the money; he cursed and called me a thief. So we have an agreement now about how much I should take out.

What I don't understand is that some of the things my husband is doing now at his age is what young men do. But my husband is not a young man. He drinks heavily and because of that, we are not having enjoyable sex any more. He does not want to admit that he is an alcoholic. He likes to go to the bar and sit there for hours and play dominoes.

I once went to the bar that he likes and I asked the bartender why she encourages him to be there for hours. She said that he is just here with his friends, and many times his friends purchase his liquor. They chat and do more watching. She said she had never seen him use the 'back room'. I asked her what she meant, and she said she had never seen him take any girl to the room where men have sex with women, so I should not worry.

This bartender told my husband that I was at the bar and when he came home, he was half-drunk and cursed me. But he continues to go there and drink his liquor. When my husband is sober, and most days he is, he is such a nice man. He likes to have sex with me on weekends, but when he is under his liquor, he can't manage very well. So he uses ganja to help him.

J.A.

Dear J.A.,

Your husband did not want your son to live with the family. Like so many Jamaican men, his excuse was because he does not want to support another man's child. He might live to regret what he said. I am so glad that the boy is doing well and is happy living with his grandmother.

If your husband continues to drink heavily, he is going to destroy himself. Alcohol will affect his ability to perform his sexual obligations. If you complain much about his inability to satisfy you, it is likely that he will say that you are keeping other men with him. Even on the matter of ganja, some men have admitted that smoking weed gives them an initial boost, but that does not last. So it is not something that a person should continue to do.

I believe that your husband needs professional help. He needs to see a doctor with whom he can speak freely about his problems. You have a right to be concerned about him, so try to persuade him to see a doctor. You can probably ask him to accompany you to see your doctor. Both of you can speak to the doctor and ask the doctor to speak with him alone. Your family doctor would do that.

Please don't argue with your husband, and don't give him the impression that you don't want him to be with his friends. Men, from time to time, like to be with the boys.

Pastor