Cheating mom made dad leave us

Dear Pastor,

I am a 22-year-old woman and I have a boyfriend. I am living with my mother and grandmother.

I have two siblings, a 17-year-old sister and a 15-year-old brother. We are poor, but we are trying. My father does not live with us any more; he walked out after my brother was born and got involved with another woman. She is presently pregnant by him. He said that the child is not his. I love my father. He was always warning my mother that he would leave her because she is very ignorant, and he could not get along with her. I know for a fact that my mother is also having sex with different men. My father is a farmworker and while he was doing farm work, my mother used to go out many times with other men. I spoke to my mother about it and she told me that she never loved my father, so that is why she had to go with other men. I asked her if it was because she didn't love my father why she cannot have just one man. She repeated that I didn't understand.

After my father left, my mother turned against me and said I was the one who took news to him about her other men; but that was not true. My father said that my mother gave him an STI and he knows that he caught it from her because, at that time, he was not having sex with any other woman. He got it as soon as he came home from farm work and had sex with my mother. I am so embarrassed to know that my mother would expose herself to other men, catch a disease, and pass it on to my dad. The house that my mother and siblings are living in belongs to my grandmother, but my father used most of the money he got from farm work to repair it and to put on a good bathroom.

People on the street called my mother a whore, and I am embarrassed about it. She doesn't want us to have anything to do with our father, but I am embarrassed about my father, too, because the girl who is pregnant is much younger than him; but I relate very well with my father. My family is dysfunctional. I am worried because I have found out that my sister has a boyfriend and is sexually active. I asked her about it, and she did not deny that she is having sex. She told me that the guy uses protection. My mother cannot talk to her because she has not set a good example for us. My sister and brother are doing well in school. My father visits my grandmother occasionally; they have a good relationship, and she is grateful for everything that he has done for her on the house.

My boyfriend is helping me to go back to school. He is a taxi man, but I don't hope to keep him forever because he likes to gamble and smoke. Please give me your advice.

J.K.

Dear J.K.,

Before I comment on what you have said about your father and mother, let me caution you not to use your boyfriend.

Right now, he is assisting you in the very best way he can. You have not said whether you love him, but your intention is to end the relationship with him as soon as you have found yourself in a better position. I understand you have given your reasons why you do not want a permanent relationship with this man. He smokes and gambles, but my concern is that you are setting up yourself to be abused. Not all men are willing to allow the women who they supported walk away without a fight. So, if you know that this is not the type of man that you want, you should not wait until you are in a better position. Don't accept his money to go back to school. You have not said whether you would love to go to college. If that is your aim, speak to the Students' Loan Bureau and they will advise you about getting a loan. Too many women use men by taking their money and going to school, and then dropping them after they have got their careers. I have had letters from such women; don't be one of them.

Concerning your father and mother, you are old enough to know the truth. You spoke to your mother and she did not deny having other men while your father is on farm work. I hope that you would not walk in her footsteps, and I hope that you are able to give some guidance to your sister. If you insist that you must have sex, please protect yourself. Do not make life harder for yourself than it is right now.

Pastor