Mother lives in fear of abusive 14-y-o son

For two years, Jane's* home has felt like a battlefield, with her greatest threat coming from one of her sons.

Nine years ago, Jane left Jamaica when her son was five, hoping to secure a better future for himself and his three siblings who were all cared for by their grandparents in her absence. She provided for their every need, sending money and barrels filled with clothes, food, and other supplies. But, while she worked tirelessly to give them a better life, she was unaware of the impact her absence would have. When she returned home seven years later, she found that one of the boys had changed. By age 12, he had no respect for her authority and resisted all her attempts to instil discipline.

"Him never have no behaviour, no manners, nothing! Because dem bruk him bad and give him anything him want. Suh when me come and me tell him 'no', him gwan bad because my rule and fi dem rule is two different rule," Jane explained.

"Him start call mi whole heap a words like 'dutty bitch' and 'sour pig' and him tell mi fi 's*** out mi madda.' Suh, one day, mi slap him and di bwoy lick mi back and suh mi and him start fight like a man and woman," she said.

Desperate, Jane sought help from the Child Protection and Family Services Agency, which provided free counselling. But, when that failed to curb her son's violent outbursts, she decided to place him in state care, where he remained for months. Every time she visited, he cried and begged to come home. His three brothers and other relatives also pleaded with Jane to give him another chance.

"So mi go to the Family Court and take him back," Jane said. For a while, things seemed to improve. But, after re-establishing her rules, the same violent patterns resurfaced and Jane quickly regretted her decision.

"Because him cannot do what him want and cyah have him own way, that's why him gwan suh. And him very lie, and mi nuh want him send mi gah prison," she said.

Now, Jane said she is living in fear, and locks herself in her room to avoid confrontations with her son.

"Mi fear fi mi life because mi fraid either him kill mi or mi kill him!" she admitted.

She also told THE STAR that her son has forced her to call the police multiple times, but, each time, she feels powerless. She claims her son lies to authorities, accusing her of attacking him first. She also said that her son, who is now 14, prefers hanging out with friends rather than attending school.

"Is like me nuh have no talk, ah him have all a di talk. And when mi tell them seh mi nah give him no [lunch] money fi go a school cause him nah guh, dem seh dem can charge mi fi neglect. How dat mek sense?" Jane asked. She said that she is at her breaking point, and believes her only option is to send him back to state care.

Clinical psychologist Dr Marlon Simpson, who has more than a decade of experience working with both adults and children, including those with behavioural issues, explained that situations like Jane's are not uncommon among "barrel children", a term used to describe children left behind by parents who migrate in search of a better life.

"The violent behaviour is stemming from something, whether it's sadness, frustration, or discomfort. There is usually a challenge that pushes anger; anger is usually secondary. So, it would be good for the mother, through therapy, to find out what is behind the anger," Simpson explained.

He also explained that, when parents return after living abroad, their children may struggle to adjust to new rules, especially if they were raised with different expectations by caregivers. This sudden shift in authority can create conflict, as the child's understanding of right and wrong may have already been shaped in a different way. To ease this transition, he suggested that the mother work with her son to establish common ground.

"Sit down with the child and have the conversation, find out what rules work and have him be a part of the process, so, when he breaks the rules, they know exactly [what] he got himself into. And, generally, parents in similar situations like that can also set rules with the child or the caregivers who may be in charge," he said. Simpson said that, although the notion of 'my house, my rules' is common within the country's culture, "we're dealing with a completely different generation of children".

"The same things that worked on us don't necessarily work on these children anymore," he explained. "This isn't everybody, but some don't respond to the same kind of punishment or treatment. It's a very different kind of thinking and behaviour, so we have to consider these unique situations -- and that comes through education, educating the parents on how to deal with their children."

Simpson suggested that parents need to have certain conversations with the child before they go abroad, if the child is able to understand.

Also, keep contact with the child, speak to them regularly and, if possible, spend time with the child even while you're abroad. That helps to nurture the relationship. So, when you come back to Jamaica, it's not a total shock when you say, 'I want this to be done this way,'" he said.

*Name changed to protect identity