Stepbrother peeping on me

Dear Pastor,

I am 17 years old and I live with my father and stepmother, who is older than my father. She has a son who is 16 years old, and he has his own room. I have my own room, but I do not trust him.

His mother does not like me because I caught him peeping at me, and I complained to my father. My father talked to him about it and my stepmother called me a liar, and said that her son would never peep on me. My father told him that if he did that again, his mother would have to find somewhere else for him to live. From that time until now, I am not comfortable in my father's house.

My step-mother does not like to see me talking to my father. One day my father nearly lost his temper because she was complaining to him about me. She told him that I have a boyfriend and I have been having sex. My father asked her how she knew that I was having sex; she said the way I behave tells her that I am having sex. She claims that I am behaving as a big woman. She complained that I was in the bathroom and she knocked on the door and I didn't open it. She suggested that I was hiding something from her.

It is true that she knocked on the door, but I was in the shower and I locked the door because I did not want her son to come in there. Even before my father got married to this woman, I have always practised locking the bathroom door when I am inside.

My father told my step-mother that she would never get him to put me out of his house, because I am his daughter and he has to protect me. He almost threw blows on her when she said to him that maybe I am his wife. I have never before heard my father use expletives, but that day he lost his temper and told her that she can get out of his 'F' place.

My mother is living with a man; she doesn't have much to do in my life. I go to see her sometimes, but I will never go and live with my mother, and I am not comfortable living at home because of this boy. My father allows me to go out. My stepmother said I will soon get pregnant and that she will not take care of my baby. She has even vowed not to change his diaper.

Pastor, I am not foolish, I have social friends, but I don't have an intimate boyfriend. I learnt to cook, so sometimes when I am at home I cook, but my stepmother never eats it. However, that doesn't bother me because that is the way my father and I used to live. He used to cook sometimes, but when I am at home, I would cook.

I told my father that I would like to be a teacher. I applied to a teachers' college. I am hoping to start college in September. I respect my father and he respects me, but I can't respect my stepmother, because she is nothing but a liar. Tell me what to do, please.

P.

Dear P.,

You have written an intelligent letter. You are not a fool. What reason would you have to be against your stepbrother? You are old enough to know if a man is peeping on you. You were correct in telling your father about his behaviour. Your father was also correct in speaking to him about his behaviour. His mother should have spoken to him. She should have told him that he should be ashamed of himself, but instead, she accused you of lying on him.

I have to say that your stepmother's mouth is filthy. She ought not to have told your father that he is behaving as if both of you are having an affair. She does not have any respect for your dad. I am glad that he was able to control himself and not hit her. It is only silly women who always raise this matter about men and their daughters when they see their husband having a good relationship with their daughters. Sometimes they try to humiliate their husbands by saying nasty things. If she continues to disrespect him, he may eventually ask her to leave. I hope it will not come to that.

You have a right to privacy; you were in the bathroom and your stepmother wanted to come in, but you didn't open the door. She should have waited. I repeat, you have a right to privacy. You are an adult and you did not want to expose yourself to her. She did not have to behave as a fool and question what you have to hide.

Now, having said the above, let me say that you have a good relationship with your father. Right now his marriage is not going so well, perhaps you can suggest to your father that both of them should go and see a family counsellor. If he says that he is not interested, don't push him to do so. I wish you well as you go to teachers' college. I hope that you will become a good teacher.

Pastor

I am 81 years old and you are a special pastor to me. And that is why every night, I listen to you. I live with my son and his wife. I would not say that they are living with me; I live with them although the house is mine. My daughter-in-law is such a wonderful girl and she considers me to be special to her; that is what she told me. I don't have a care in this world. I have everything to my comfort.

My beloved husband died 7 years ago. He left me almost everything that he had. He had two apartments apart from this house which is a three bedroom house. Those apartments are for his children. One of his daughters is not my child. He got her while we were married to each other. When the woman told him that she is pregnant for him, he came and he told me and he got down on his knees and begged me to forgive him. For days I did not talk to him. He cried and cried and begged me not to let anyone know that he is unfaithful to me.

I called the woman and I asked her if she would give up the baby after she had him/her and she said she was thinking of giving it up for adoption. I told her that I would take the baby. I helped her to provide everything for the birth of the child. When I told my husband what I did, he still begged me to forgive him, so I told him that is what I did and that is why I am taking the child.

The man went to the bank into our account and took out some money and bought me a car. When I saw the car, I started to cry. We made up. I took the child from the mother and grew her as my very own. She calls me mommy. She is a beautiful woman, but I learned not to trust my husband anymore because I did not know that he has his eyes on anybody else but me. He said that it is the biggest mistake in his life. He told me how it happened, which I would not tell you now, but if the day comes when we meet, I will tell you.

My husband became ill and I took care of him and the two girls were with him when he passed on. That young lady who is an outside child is also married and living in Canada with her husband. She calls me just about everyday. When I listen to you on the radio and hear your suggestions, I say to myself you are doing a good job and sometimes I laugh at the things you say. I read your column often.

Pastor, there are times my daughter asked me if I don't want to go anywhere. I tell them to go where they want to go, just leave my grandchildren and I will take care of them. I am still strong. I cook whenever I feel like it. I don't have a care in this world. I hope that you will keep my company for a long long time to come. I love you. This house that we are living in now will go to my son.

F.D

Dear F.D.,

You are a very wise woman. You have had a good marriage. Your husband "flew his kite" and he came to you and did not deny what he did. He humbled himself to you. I can see the poor man on his knees begging you for forgiveness. That day if you had a strap, he would have taken all the beatings from you across his back. You knew he was genuinely sorry for what he did. But I say that you are a wise woman because you did not call the girl who was carrying the pregnancy and curse her for your husband. If you did, you have not said it. You supported her during the pregnancy and because she was willing to give you the child, that made your husband love you even more. You were wise, very wise.

Evidently your husband made good investments; he has two apartments and the matrimonial home. The two girls are married and they take good care of you. I am happy to know that you are quite comfortable. Serve the Lord and continue to take good care of yourself. Call me sometimes on my show, I will be glad to talk to you.

Pastor

Dear Pastor,

This is the first time I am writing to you and I hope that you will write to me back. I am 19 years old. When I was attending high school, I wanted to become a nun. I admired the work that the nuns used to do, but as I grew older, and moved around some of my friends, I considered that that type of work was not for me.

I gave up my virginity when I was 16 years old. I had no one to blame but myself. A couple of my girlfriends planned a sleepover. We met together to study and we said that we would sleep over. My parents called the parents of the girl whose house we would sleep over and they said yes, they have enough room for all of us. They made it into a little party. The girl's mother cooked and had enough for all four of us girls.

What I did not know is that two of the girls invited their boyfriends to join us. They came, but left after we ate. We had a good time and promised that we will do so again. So we planned another sleepover. This time the girls encouraged me to invite my boyfriend. I could not let my parents know that there were guys there with us the first time, neither could I let them know that this guy who likes me was going to be there.

My friends paired up after a certain time and that included me. My boyfriend was 18 and I was 16 and a half years old. My friend in whose house we were, her parents went to bed. And my boyfriend and I and the other girls did our own thing. And he took my virginity. The only good thing about this guy is that we are still together. And right now he is doing his second degree at university. He calls me his wife. My folks love him and will do anything for him. He is very very respectful to my parents and we are hoping to get married. He has stopped me from using contraceptives and I love him so much that I have stopped, but I'm beginning to worry because it has been three months now, I have not been on contraceptives and I have not gotten pregnant. Don't you think that something is wrong? I asked him why I have not gotten pregnant yet, he said I should not be in a hurry. But I am wondering whether I am barren.

I.N

Dear I.N.,

You shouldn't be in a hurry to get pregnant. It is likely that that would eventually happen. You should talk to your gynaecologist about your concern. And whether or not you get pregnant now, I hope your boyfriend and you will get married. And that he would not end the relationship with you if you do not get pregnant soon. I wish both of you well.

Pastor

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