Husband wants another woman in our bedroom

Dear Pastor,

My husband and I have been married for five years. He told me that he would like us to spice up our relationship.

As I see it, nothing is really wrong with our relationship. So I asked him what he meant, and he said to spice up something is to add something that we have never done. I told him we can ask a friend to keep our children for a weekend so he can take me to London. He said he was not thinking of anything that would cost so much. I laughed at him because he told me I should think of something that would not be so costly.

I told a couple of friends at my workplace what my husband said. One of the younger girls said when these men talk about spicing up the relationship, they are talking about bringing another person into the bedroom. That was a shocker to me. But I asked my husband if he wanted me to invite my ex-boyfriend to spend the night with us and he said no, but I can allow him to invite one of his former girlfriends. He is sure she would not mind doing that. So I pressed the matter and I asked him if he was really serious and he said yes.

I told him he could have one of his former girlfriends one weekend and I could have a past lover another weekend. He said I was crazy to think of bringing a former lover and having sex with him right on his bed. I told him that he has to learn to be fair. If I can deal with having an ex-lover of his on our bed, he should be able to deal with a man having sex with me. He said no, he could not deal with that; so our conversation ended.

How could I allow my husband to bring his past lover into our bed? When I told him I would bring one of my former lovers into the bed, I did not mean it. I respect this man, but he went on to say that he would be willing to pay a former girlfriend to spend a night with us. I asked him how much would he pay her. He said that he would negotiate with her, but he is sure that she wouldn't do so for less than $10,000. I know the girl that he is talking about. She is very attractive. I know it would not be wise to consider having her in our bed. I could not bear to see her doing the things my husband and I have done, and even more.

One of my girlfriends told me that I would lose him to her. Recently, my husband asked me again about spicing up our relationship and I told him that I cannot do what he wanted me to do unless I can bring another man into our room. My husband said if I wanted to consent to that, it means that I would cheat on him. I told him that I would not. But I still remember what he told me happened to the girl and him when they were going together. I reminded him that we have not talked about doing something to spice up our relationship for a long time. If he continues to ask me, he will come home one day and see another man in our bedroom.

One of my co-workers said she and her husband once engaged in swapping partners and it was the worst thing she has ever done.

A.T.

Dear A.T.,

Your husband is determined to have somebody new in his bedroom.

I vividly remember a letter I received from a man. He constantly asked his wife whether she would agree to have another woman join them in bed. At first she said no, but he kept asking her, and finally she said yes. So the woman asked a man to come, and when her husband saw what the man was doing to his wife and how large his penis was, it affected him.

He wrote me quite a long letter. He said that when he saw how his wife was enjoying the performance of the man and he heard her groaning, it bothered him. She groaned with pleasure, and she had never enjoyed sex with him since they knew each other. So I asked the man in my response, "Why are you complaining?" I reminded him that it was he who constantly told his wife that they needed someone in the bedroom to spice up the relationship.

Couples who engage in swapping their partners often regret doing so. There are so many things that couples can do to spice up their relationship. Some of these things can be discussed with a sex therapist.

Pastor