My husband can’t get me pregnant

Dear Pastor,

I am in my mid-20s and I have been married for a year and six months. My husband is in his 40s.

My parents are alive and in good health. When I met my husband, he asked me many questions about my background, but he did not say much about himself. Every time I asked him about his father, he told me that he was dead and his mother is alive, but she is living with a man and the man doesn't like him. He said the man is a thief. I suggested that we should go and look for his mother or invite her to spend a holiday with us. He told me that he was not in favour of that, so I left it alone.

One day I was talking to a woman I met in the market, and she told me that she is from my husband's district. She did not know that I married this man. We got into a discussion and she told me that many years ago, the people in the district accused my husband's father of having sex with his daughter, and because of that he had to leave. I was shocked. The woman also told me that she heard that he died. So, that part I know is true; but my husband never told me that the people in the district accused his father of incest.

My husband is a good man, but he does not share his problems with anyone apart from his pastor, who is a very good friend. They went to school together. When he met me and told his pastor that he was concerned about my age, the pastor told him that whether a woman is young or old, a man should not be concerned about that. What he should be concerned about is whether the woman loves him. My husband comes from the old school. He shows me his pay slip and I have access to his bank account. He has a debit card, which he gave to me and told me whenever I am in need of something for the house or for myself, I can use it.

I do have a problem. My husband does not have children and we have been trying to have a child. We have gone to the doctor, who says nothing is wrong with me; the problem is with my husband. I did not know that my husband had this problem, otherwise I might not have got married to him. I asked my husband if not having a child doesn't bother him and he said no. I don't know if I can believe him, because I know he loves children. At church, I see how children are around him. I believe he would be a good father. Do you think that I should discuss adopting a child with my husband? I would prefer to get pregnant by him, but according to the doctor, that might not be possible. I would like you to tell me what to do.

V.A.

Dear V.A.,

I am glad to know that you love your husband and he loves you, too. It's unfortunate that when you met, he did not discuss with you that he does not believe that he can impregnate you. Many men who are unable to get women pregnant don't generally talk about their problem to women who love them.

I know a young woman who fell in love with a man who had problems. For a long time, they lived together. She told me in counselling sessions that she enjoyed sex with the man because he was unable to get her pregnant. So, she didn't have to use any form of protection. But she said that this man kept going to his doctor, who prescribed things that he should take. She was there laughing at him and telling him that he is wasting his time, but she never suggested that she would walk away from him.

At one point, the doctor told him that he should not have sex as often as he used to, and so she thought the doctor was crazy. But this man accepted the doctor's instruction; then one day she missed her period. She knew that she had not gone to bed with any other man. She became concerned and went to her doctor and was told, "Mrs So-and- so, you are pregnant." She was very shocked. This 'infertile' man got her pregnant. He was overjoyed. She gave birth to a baby girl.

I don't know if your husband has given up, but I do know that nothing is impossible with God. You may discuss adopting a child with him, if you want to nurture a child before you become older. But unless the doctor tells your husband that all hope is gone, anything is possible.

Pastor