Husband is always having cybersex

Dear Pastor,

I am 22 years old. I got married when I was 19. My husband is 24. He recently finished his postgrad work.

I am not as fortunate as he is. I am from the Caribbean. He grew up in a home where his parents were educators, so he had a good start. He has been pushing me to do well. But I am having a problem with him. He is on his phone or computer for many hours. I told him that it appears to me that he has a second wife - his computer. He asked me how can the computer be his wife. Well, instead of talking to me, he is always looking at stuff on the computer or talking to other women. I didn't know that I could feel jealous because my husband is constantly on the computer or his cell phone. Sometimes I ask him to just sit with me while I work and do my assignments. If he spends an hour with me, he is back to the computer. He is always looking at half-nude women. So I hardly keep my clothes on. Only the two of us live in our apartment and when I dress like that, I turn him on and he says that is what I want, so he is giving it to me. Sometimes I don't mean that I want sex; I just want his attention.

I did not know that what a man sees on the Internet can affect him so much. When my husband is turned on, I can't stop him from having sex with me; he is like a beast. So I am trying to leave him alone and allow him to have his way by looking at the pictures of these white girls. These adult movies are very explicit; nothing is left to the imagination. When I have late classes and my husband is alone, he has online sex with some of these women. He tells me that I should not fuss about these things because he is not cheating.

How do you see that? I am not bored with my relationship. I do not have time to be bored, but I am very jealous. I would like to put my jealousy behind me, but I don't know how. One of my sisters-in-law and I have a good relationship, and I told her that my husband is always talking to women on the Internet and looking at them. She told me to leave him alone because I always know where he is, and whenever he wants to have sex, I should just give it to him. She said her father and mother didn't fuss over sex; her mother told them that whenever their father wanted her, she never objected. She took her mother's advice - to quiet a man down, give him what he wants. Sometimes she doesn't have to wait on him, she takes the initiative. Do you think I should try that approach?

O.L.

Dear O.L

Nothing is wrong if a woman approaches or take the initiative sometimes, so if your husband needs you, don't allow him to fuss over sex or lovemaking.

I met a man and his wife; he was a president of a well-known college in the USA. We were having dinner together and his wife told me, right in the presence of her husband, "My husband has two wives." That got my attention because he was a very conservative man, so she continued to speak. "I am one of his wives and his computer is the other." I gathered that she wanted me to talk to her husband and say, 'Listen, man, you know that you are spending too much time on your computer, so look at your schedule again and make time for your wife.'

Your husband is young and you are much younger. You have to study hard because you do not wish to fail. But what I said to this man, is what I would say to you and your husband: schedule time for each other and don't allow anything to come between the both of you, not even your studies. You might even want to suggest that certain days of the week should be set aside to have fun in bed or wherever you want to have fun in the house.

Some couples like to have sex on a Friday evening, because they do not have to go to work on a Saturday, so they could make love for hours on a Friday night. Some folks consider that something is wrong with men who are always looking and engaging in Internet sex. I would think that if you give this man enough of yourself, his desire for such lovemaking may become less. Check out what I have said with a sex therapist.

Pastor