Babyfather keeps avoiding the marriage question

Dear Pastor,

I need solid advice. I am in my early 30s and my spouse is 50 years old. We have been together and committed for 10 years, but I have known him for 12 years.

We have been living together for seven years. When we just met, he was getting over a break-up with the mother of his first child. According to him, she left because she wanted to get married and he wasn't ready for that. To be honest, I wasn't thinking anything of it; I was younger at the time and marriage wasn't on my mind; I was just having fun.

Fast-forward to the present, and my mind has changed. I would like to get married. We have a child together. I have been expressing myself to him regarding marriage and every time he makes another excuse - he makes excuses about everything you can think of. I even told him that we can just do it at the Registrar General's Department, which would have been something small, and he still made excuses. Honestly, I haven't mentioned it lately because I am tired of complaining, and I feel low and desperate. I don't want to force marriage on anybody, but why am I good enough to be your babymother, but not good enough to be your wife?

He wants me to wash, cook, clean and everything in-between, even if I am not well. Please note, this is not about money as most persons would look at it. Over the years I have elevated myself; I am now a businesswoman, and I also have my career. He also has his own career and he takes care of most of the household finances. We have our ups and downs just like any other relationship, and I have things I complain about a lot. For example, I am the romantic one, and he doesn't reciprocate. We don't have fun any more or even talk much about stuff, but we don't have major issues or anything detrimental.

I am now on a journey where I would like to get baptised soon. What will happen then? Like I said, I won't force any marriage on anyone. Honestly, I'm not genuinely happy. I would like my child to be in a two-parent household, but I can't continue like this. I need help. Thank you.

B.L.

Dear B.L.,

The big problem, as I see it, is that you love this man much more than he loves you.

I am not saying that he does not love you. To him, marriage is not very important. But it is very important to you. If you don't insist that you want to get married, he will live in concubinage for many more years to come. But I am sure that you would not allow that. You have your goals and you are a very ambitious woman, so the time has come for you to put your foot down and let this man know that you will not allow him to have you living in concubinage. If that is his intention, tell him you will leave him.

He is a good man, but as you correctly said, if you are good enough for him to function as a woman, and by that I mean for you to do everything in the house that a woman is expected to do, including meeting his sexual desires, when will you be qualified to be his wife? So don't allow him to expect you to do wifely duties and everything else, but not to be called his wife.

Insist that both of you go for counselling, and if he refuses to go, you should tell him that the time has come for you to pack your bag, because as Jamaicans say all the time to men who are reluctant in marrying them, you are a woman and hair doesn't grow in your face. Give this man an ultimatum; let him know that you are very serious about your future.

Pastor