Should I run away with my boyfriend and get pregnant?

our break-up caused his psyhological meltdown

Dear Pastor,

I buy The Star just to read your column daily. I have always wanted to write to you. I am going to be 19 early next year and my boyfriend is 24. He wants me to have his first child. I also want a baby but I don't want to get pregnant in my parents' house. He got a house through National Housing Trust recently but he has not moved in as yet. He has always wanted me to live with him and he said when he gets his new house we would move in together. His parents are overseas and he lives with his younger sisters. He also wants to meet my mother but I am afraid because I have never introduced any of my past boyfriends to her so I told him soon. I really love my boyfriend. He treats me extremely well and he has two jobs. Pastor, should I move in with him and have our child or should we go out of the country to a small island as we planned and have the baby and come back and then tell my mother after? Please give me your advice.

S.D

Dear S.D.,

I cannot encourage you to have a child out of wedlock, neither can I encourage you to move in with this man. You are 19 and you do not have to be in any hurry to become a wife or a mother. You haven't said anything about your education. I would have loved to hear what plans you have to further your education. I do not doubt that you love your boyfriend but it is wrong for him to be pushing you to have his baby or to live with him. And this scheme that both of you have talked about is nonsense. You should not agree to go to go to another island and have a child. You should never try to deceive your parents and this young man should not encourage you to do so. And you must bear in mind that although you love your boyfriend, circumstances may change and he might walk away from you. There is no guarantee that he would be with you forever, so you should stay right at home with your parents and give yourself some more time to mature. If this man wants to move you into his new house he should first marry you. Introduce him to your parents and tell your mother that he wants you to live with him and to have his baby. I am sure that she would discourage you from doing so right now. Please let me hear from you again.

Pastor

19 and ready for a baby

Dear Pastor,

This is my first time writing to you but I have always loved reading The Star just to read your column. I have an issue and I need some help from you. When I first met my child's father he did not treat me well. He always cheated on me. Now after five years I have made up my mind that I have had enough so I broke up with him. I met and fell in love with this other guy but this guy is in some wrong doings and is very thin skinned. He gets vexed for the least little thing. When my child's father found out that I was talking to someone else he wanted to kill himself and he said he was going to change and he couldn't just let me go. Night and day he would sit at my door crying and asking for a next chance but I always say, "No", and I always run him. Pastor, I have just realised that my boyfriend has a lot of women and he does not use condoms when having sex. My best friend showed me some texts he sent her saying he wants to push his tongue in her anus. Pastor, I didn't say anything about it to him, I just went for my things and blocked him from calling and texting me. He disgusts me but I still love him. The problem now is that my child's father looks like he is getting mad and talking to himself and those stuff and I don't like to see him like that. I feel sorry for him but I just cannot be with him. I love my boyfriend but not my baby father. What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I thank you for loving my column. I am really concerned about you. From the time you met the man who eventually got you pregnant he did not treat you well yet you remained with him. Why didn't you leave him? When you made up your mind and left him you had already had a child by him. And when a woman has a child by a man it would take many years for her to finally end all communication with him. As long as the child is a minor both of them would have to communicate and discuss matters in the interest of the child. You made another bad move by becoming intimate with a man who is engaged in illegal activities but you stayed with him while your child's father was begging you night and day to come back to him. The only thing that could have got you out of this relationship was the dirty sexual practice of this man. What kind of woman are you? You know what the man has been doing. You know the man is freaky and he has many women but you declare that you still love him so you must be freaky too. Your head is not right. It can't be. I think that you should try and help your child's father. He needs to see a doctor. I am not suggesting that you should have a sexual relationship with him but now that you have left him he cannot stand the lost and it's affecting him. Perhaps you did some things with him too that whenever he thinks about you and the other man he is imagining that the other man and you are doing these very things. And the thought of you and this man engaging in such activities affects him psychologically, emotionally and physically. In Jamaica people would say, "These things madding him". You don't want him back in your life. You want to stay with your freaky boyfriend but I say to you, try and get your child's father some professional help. Remember he needs to be a part of the child's life.

Pastor

Obeah Threat

n Babymother says she will obeah girlfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and I am having a problem. I am living with my child's mother but I was playing around with an 18-year-old girl who works close to where my child's mother and I live. We became good friends and our friendship is causing now a big problem with my baby mother and myself. This girl comes from rural Jamaica. She is a very nice girl and she is working with these people as a baby-sitter.

Pastor, she and I decided to have sex. I told my girlfriend that I was going to play dominoes with my friends. I left the house and soon after the girl left her workplace. I didn't have any money to go to a motel to have sex. She said that she didn't have any money either. She said that we didn't have to spend money to go anywhere we can have it in the bushes near to her house. We stayed around Half Way Tree for a long time and then decided to take the bus home. We got off the bus and walked pass my house. I did not know that my girlfriend saw me because I passed my house with the girl and went to the house where she worked and was there with her at the back under an almond tree. Her people were not there but she was afraid to let me in and I wouldn't go into their house either. My girlfriend wondered why I did not come home. This girl and I did not have sex under the tree. We went further down the yard at the back and the neighbour's dog started to bark so nothing went on. I went home and my girlfriend was furious. She accused me of having sex with the girl and I told her no. She packed up my clothes and told me I should leave the house. I ignored her. She threatened to burn up my clothes the following morning if I don't leave. To convince my girlfriend that I didn't have sex I stripped right down, showed her my underpants, told her to search me and she did and that is what convinced her that I did not have sex with the girl. The problem I am having now is that she went to the girl's employer and told them that this girl took me to their house while they were not there and they have given her notice to leave. I did not expect my girlfriend to do that. This girl has nowhere to go and my mind is made up. She is boxing food out of the girl's mouth. Every day she gets up she curses me. I blame myself but it's my first mistake. I am not going to turn away from this girl because she is innocent. I told my girlfriend that I am going to leave her. She promised to obeah the girl but I know a bigger obeah man. Don't tell me not to leave her, pastor. If I stay with her I might get myself into trouble. If they fire the girl I will let her go and live with my mother and become my girlfriend. She can't go back to the country.

T.D

Dear T.D.,

I am sorry to hear that your child's mother reported this young woman to her employers and now her job is in jeopardy. This girl and you were close friends and both of you decided to have sex. She probably did not even know that you were a broke pocket man. You couldn't even take her to somewhere decent and convenient. And perhaps where she comes from she is accustomed to having sex in the open. The bush is just as romantic as any other place perhaps. If you did not have money, you probably didn't even have a condom so it's likely that you were going to have unprotected sex. The dogs gave you away. Neighbours would have become suspicious and call the police, so the plan was abandoned. You are not a wise man. You were fooling around another woman and had to pass your home to go to her home. Didn't you consider it was likely that your girlfriend would have seen you? Well, she did and everything went downhill. Your child's mother should not have reported this young woman to her employers. I suppose that she did so because she wanted to get her out of the area but she should have considered the matter carefully. Jobs are hard to get and it is wrong to wilfully cause a person to lose his/her job. The problem that your girlfriend and yourself had should have remained between the both of you and she should not have got the neighbours involved. You have decided to leave your child's mother if these people carry out their threat to fire the young woman. I would suggest that your child's mother and yourself contact a family counsellor and try to resolve this problem. I hope that you have admitted to her employers that you were indeed on their property but not in their house. I believe that would help.

Pastor

my wife is tired of sex

Dear Pastor,

I would like to encourage you to continue to do your good work. I am 60 and my wife is 58. For three years now my wife has stopped having sex with me and is sleeping in another bedroom. Nothing is wrong with me. She told me that her body is tired now and it needs rest. My body is not tired although I am 60. I asked her what she wants me to do. She told me I can do whatever I want but she knows that she is tired. I am healthy. I don't even suffer from diabetes. I have women around me and any of them would take me but I don't want to run around. If I go into her bed, she gets up. We went to a conference and had to share the same bed and we slept head and tail. I asked her how she could be a Christian and behaving like that. How could a woman stop having sex so early? What does she expect me to do? Sometimes I do want a little sex. I am too old to help myself when I have a wife in my house.

E.R

Dear E.R.,

Someone needs to tell your wife that she is destroying her marriage. She needs to understand that what she is doing is wrong. From time to time some women declare that they have had enough sex and they don't have to have anymore. Such women are very selfish and are only thinking of themselves. When people are married they have to meet the sexual needs of their spouses. That is what the Bible says. Therefore, this sleeping head and tail and in separate bedrooms is wrong. Couples may choose to sleep in separate bedrooms from time to time but they do need to come together to cohabitate. Your wife is driving you into the arms of another woman. Perhaps she doesn't see it that way and at 60 some foolish persons may say it is time for you to sit down. But a 60-year-old man is not an old man who cannot manage. You have many years to enjoy sex if you are in good health. Tell your wife that you would like both of you to go and see a family counsellor. Perhaps there are other things bothering her that she has not told you. You need to know what they are. She might be using sex as an excuse but there are some deep rooted problems in the marriage that you might not be aware of.

Pastor