I can’t live in Jamaica because I’m gay

Dear Pastor,

I grew up in Jamaica, a place that never felt like home to me. From an early age, I realised that who I was didn't align with what my family and society expected.

My mother often reminded me that if she ever found out I was gay, she would buy a piece of rope and hang me herself. Those words shaped the way I saw myself -- ashamed, alone, and constantly afraid. My childhood was filled with fear and rejection. My mother would wake me up at 6 a.m. to jog and do push-ups, hoping that would make me more masculine. She would beat me for the smallest things, especially if she thought I was acting in a way that wasn't boyish enough. I tried to suppress who I was, but the more I hid, the more suffocated I felt.

One of the most traumatic experiences of my teenage years was when boys stoned me as I sat outside my home. I didn't fight back; I just ran and hid. I couldn't tell my mother. If I did, I knew I would be punished again. I carried that fear with me knowing that my own family and community saw me as something to be ridiculed, something undeserving of love and safety. After high school, I left Jamaica and felt free. I met people who accepted me for who I was. My college friends adored me, complimented me, and made me felt seen and valued. For the first time, I felt joy without restraint. But that happiness was short-lived. I was forced to return to Jamaica when my situation in Canada fell apart.

Returning to Jamaica was like stepping back into a nightmare. My mental health declined rapidly. My stepdad made my life miserable. He told me I couldn't stay in his house if I was gay. My mother did nothing. A few days later, she also told me I had to leave, and that she wouldn't tolerate my "lifestyle". I had nowhere to go. I moved in with my grandmother, but I still wasn't safe. She told me that the dons in the community didn't want a gay man in their area. They warned her that I had to leave. She told me to go to church, find a girl and "change", or leave her house. On Christmas Day, she called my family, told them she feared for her life, and threw me out.

Desperate, I moved in with my boyfriend, but we were both struggling. Eventually, we found an apartment. I started working at a non-profit agency that partnered with USAID to help the LGBTQ community in Jamaica. But people knew I was gay and the backlash was brutal. I was terrified to take public transportation or even walk down the street. Then, one night, three men broke into my apartment and robbed me at knifepoint. I pleaded for my life, but one of them insisted they should "'F' me up" for sleeping next to another man. I was frozen in terror. Just as I thought they were going to kill me, my neighbour's dog started barking. Alarmed, they ran off with my belongings. I rushed upstairs, vomiting from shock. The police came, but they did nothing. The landlord didn't even change the lock; I had to buy my own.

I spiralled into depression. I started drinking again. My boyfriend left me and I felt completely abandoned. The thought of seeking asylum in America became my only hope. The journey ahead was uncertain and terrifying, but I knew I had to fight for my right to exist. For the first time in a long time, I felt hope. Please tell me Pastor, why don't Jamaicans love their own? Why do we treat people like this?

I'm really traumatised about coming back there, and I don't know what to do if this asylum doesn't work out!

Gayman

Dear Gayman,

I pray that Almighty God will help you to find people who would accept you as you are.

Your letter reminds me of a young man I met a few years ago in America. His parents are very prominent in Jamaica. This young man was rejected by his parents, but he applied for asylum in America. He proved that his life would be in danger if he returned to Jamaica, the land of his birth, because no relative wanted him to stay with them. This young man is very brilliant; he doesn't have to worry about being deported. I understand that he has been granted permanent status in America. I wish the same for you. Young man, it is not for me to judge you, but I pray that the good Lord would help you to change your lifestyle, because nothing, or no situation, is too difficult for the Almighty God.

Now, I know some people will laugh at me and say that I am talking nonsense, but I am not. My prayers are with you. Don't turn against your parents and your grandmother because you are being forced to run away. Remember, Jamaica is very anti-gay, so you should not really expect them to embrace your lifestyle. I wish you well and I will be praying for you.

Pastor