My wife feels guilty about using a vibrator

Dear Pastor,

My wife and I have been married for more than three years and I have never been able to bring her to orgasm.

I have tried everything I was told to do, including techniques on how to hold my ejaculation so as to allow my wife to experience orgasm. It is very frustrating, and whenever I orgasm and she does not have one, she curses me and tells me that I do not care about her feelings.

Pastor, I do care, but I do not know what to do. To make matters really worse, my wife told me that although she has never had an affair, she has been tempted to do so with one of her former lovers, because most times he brought her to orgasm. You can imagine how I felt when she said so. I love my wife, and the both of us are Christians.

We went to see a sex therapist, who said that if we want to save our marriage, he would suggest that we do certain things. I was all ears and was very attentive to the therapist. He suggested that we purchase a vibrator, but my wife objected to what he said, because she was told by some ladies from her church that using the vibrator is ungodliness, and she has that in her mind. Some of these women have never been married, but there they were giving the young people at their church advice.

Before we left the US to come back to Jamaica, my wife and I went to a store where they sold sex toys and bought a vibrator. We tried it at the hotel before we packed to return to Jamaica. My wife is very pleased by what she is now experiencing. But she is still questioning whether, as Christians, we should use the vibrator.

So, Pastor, what do you think about this sex toy?

E.C.

Dear E.C.,

For many years, counsellors have tried to encourage women who have been having difficulty in experiencing orgasm to use sex toys, especially the vibrator.

We know for sure that some religious people condemn its use, but they have no religious grounds to stand on; it is just what they believe. The vibrator may be used to discover which areas on a person's body are very sensitive and can turn a woman on, so to speak. It can be the vagina, clitoris, nipples, belly, thigh, etc.

Some men do not like their women using the vibrator, because the type of sensation a vibrator can create, men are not able to create such. This may create problems for a man. However, a vibrator can assist a woman to experience orgasm.

Before I go, let me emphasise that it is not my intention in answering your letter to condemn what the sisters, and probably others from your wife's church, are teaching that it is wrong for women to use the vibrator. For a long time, some churches taught that it is wrong for a woman to use contraceptives. Knowledge has increased. So what I have mentioned here with you is what I believe can help your relationship, and it should not be ignored if your relationship is important to you.

Pastor