Broke man wants me to marry him

Dear Pastor,

I am a reader of your Tell Me Pastor column and I can say you are doing a good job.

I am having some issues with a man I have been dating for just over five months. I do not know whether or not I should continue with him, so I need your help. I am in my late 40s and this man is in his 50s. Both of us are divorced. My ex-husband divorced me when I found out that he was cheating and that he had got another woman pregnant. He said he could not leave her. We did not have any children together, so we decided to part. I paid for the divorce, but he and I have remained friends.

I have been seeing another man, but he is so different from my ex. He has never told me his personal business, although I have asked him many times. So one day he came with a notebook and pen and said he was willing to answer any questions, and he wanted to know more about me. The first thing the man asked me was whether I have made love to any man since my husband and I broke up. I was shocked. He said unless I answered, we couldn't continue the discussion. So after pulling myself together, I said yes. The next question was whether he knew the person. I told him I don't know.

He then wanted to know if I had gone out with any other man since we were dating. I told him no. He wanted to know whether I have any savings. I lied and told him no. I told him that my money is used to take care of myself and to support my mother. I asked him whether he has savings and he said yes. I wanted to ask him how much but before I could, he said "not much". He uses his money to educate his two sons and although he is divorced, he still pays mortgage on the house in which his ex-wife lives.

The more I talked to this man, I saw that he did not have much. He dresses and speaks well, but he doesn't have any money. I am not looking for any man to support me 100 per cent, but he has too much credit card debt. I am paying my own mortgage. Why should I have a man who is paying the mortgage for his ex-wife? Does that make sense to you? He said that was a part of the divorce settlement.

I invited him to my church and he questioned me about the women he saw there. He told me that we can build a life together. But at my age, why should I take a man who has nothing? He likes for us to go out, and he tries to impress me by taking me to fancy restaurants. I would rather he save the money. He has been talking about us getting married, but at my age I cannot marry a poor man. Is it wrong for me to be thinking this way? Please let me hear from you.

E.F.

Dear E.F.,

Some people may question whether you love the man or his money. However, you are in your late 40s and if a man is interested in marrying you, he should be in a very good financial position.

From what you have said, this man is still struggling. When he and his ex-wife got divorced, they should have sold the house and settled the matter. She should have got her share and he should have got his. He should not be paying mortgage while she lives in the house. So you should advise him to go to a lawyer and settle this matter.

A man in his 50s is not really old, but he should not be burdened down by debt. He should be financially stable. He should have good savings and investments. In my counselling ministry, I have met many men who are in their 50s and broke; that is very sad. If the man is paying mortgage, it should not be a property for investment.

Now, I am not condemning anyone who is struggling. It is a real struggle to educate your children, especially if, as a man, you are not earning a big salary. That is why a man must learn not to live big and should even live below his means. If you have discovered that you will have to struggle with this man, you should drop him. You have also discovered that he is not prudent with his money. They say an old dog can't learn new tricks and that is the truth. So don't waste your time with him. Stop going out with him. You should not be going with a man on whom you will have to spend most of what you have earned and saved.

Pastor