Wife giving me ‘bun’ with our errand boy

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem and I hope that you can help me. I am 40 and I have been married for five years.

But I am unhappy because my wife has got involved with a young fellow who used to come to our house and run errands for us. He lives with his mother. He is her only child. His father never supported him. I never suspected that my wife had got involved with this young man. I helped him to get his driver's licence, and sometimes I allowed him to use my car to do business for me.

When we were going on vacation, we allowed him to stay in our house and we packed the refrigerator so that he would have enough. The thought of my wife giving me bun with this man never crossed my mind. One day a friend told me that I should be careful with the young man because she saw my wife and him in the New Kingston area, and it seemed as if they were lovers.

I cursed this man. I told him that my wife would never stoop to that, and he told me he was sorry for telling me what he suspected. Anyway, I started to pay attention to this young man and my wife. She was always buying him clothes and nice cologne, the same type that she bought for me. I asked her why she was doing so, and she said she wanted him and I to smell good.

One day I called him and his mother told me that he said he did not want to come back and work with us because he is afraid of me. My wife loves him and they got involved, and I have found out. She told me that she did not want him to know that she told me, but I should not hurt him. I gave her the assurance that I wouldn't hurt him. I asked my wife if she had gone to bed with this young man and she took Jesus off the cross and said no. I told her I had proof, and she said I was making up stories.

Since I heard that she was having this relationship, I have no desire for my wife any more. She has tried to make love to me, but I cannot get an erection. I know I am not young any more, but how could my wife give me bun with a boy in the community? It bothers me. I told his mother to tell him not to come back to my house. My wife is very quiet about it.

Now I have this problem. I have no feelings for my wife. I don't know what to do. I am a Christian man and I don't believe in divorce. But whenever I think that this boy was having sex with my wife, I feel like tearing my wife apart. What do you suggest that I do?

F.P.

Dear F.P.,

I am sorry to hear that your wife has been unfaithful to you. It came as a shock to you because you were not expecting her to do so.

I don't want you to blame yourself for anything. Women have got involved with men who work for them, such as gardeners and even men who deliver mail to the house. You said that this man came from a poor background so you assisted him. You helped him to get his driver's licence, but then your wife didn't have any standards. While you were busying doing other things, she was busy cheating on you with this young man. Shame on her. I don't expect her to admit that she is cheating.

You are quite correct in telling the young man not to come down to the house. Perhaps, if your wife would agree, both of you should go and see a family counsellor. You may not want to divorce her, but if you cannot forgive her; you may want to move on. It is not too early to talk to a lawyer about your relationship.

Pastor