Children’s father thinks we are still together

Dear Pastor,

I am 32 and a mother of two. I have a man in my life, but we only have a visiting relationship.

He does not come to my house unless I invite him. My children's father lives in Miami. He feels that we are still together. But in my mind, we are not. He sends money for his children and he is always talking to them on the phone.

My son is always telling me what daddy asks them, such as who comes to the house. I told his father that he should not ask the children these questions, he should ask me. He told me that he has a right to ask because he is still paying most of my rent and if I am going to have men coming to the house and sleeping with me, they should pay the rent. That is why I do not allow my boyfriend to come any time he wants because the children will tell their father.

I love this man, but I have a problem. I do not know what to do with my children's father because I cannot give up the money that he sends for me every month. He is not a mean fellow. He told me that as soon as he receives his green card, he will marry me. He went to America and got married and his wife applied for him to get a green card. He is planning to divorce her. He said he told her the truth about me and it does not bother her. I told him that old people say that a promise is a comfort to a fool and I cannot live on promises.

My boyfriend tries his best. I know how much he makes and sometimes I allow my children to stay with their grandparents and we go to spend the weekend together. Their father always asks me why the children don't go with me whenever I am going. I told him I cannot deal with the stress. I am always afraid that their father might catch me with this guy at the house because when it comes to our situation, he does not tell me everything. The last thing I know about his green card is that he has not yet received it. I don't love him as much as I love the man who lives in Jamaica. If I marry him, in my mind, I will still have to have my present boyfriend.

Whenever I feel horny, I don't think of my children's father, I think of my boyfriend. Do you think I should just tell my children's father the truth and not give him the impression that I still love him?

O.D.

Dear O.D.,

Face it, you have two children by this man. He is not in Jamaica but he is paying most of your rent and he is supporting his children.

Why have you become involved with another man? Is it because you want to have sex and the children's father is away? Or is it because you would like to have more money? Could it be both? You are living a very risky life. As I think about your letter, I am reminded about a man who came to see me. He carries a licensed firearm. He told me he and his wife was not getting along, so he separated from her. They were not divorced but they had children together and so he would go to see her. One day he went and she had a visitor, who was in her bedroom. He was on the same bed that he and his wife shared. But to make matters worse, the visitor was his friend. The good Lord gave him the strength to walk away and not to pull his firearm.

You say that your children's father is always quizzing the children; he always wants to know if you have male visitors. I think it is natural for a man who is paying a woman's rent and taking care of his children to try to find out if she is being faithful to him. Most men are not willing to have another man having an intimate relationship with the woman they are supporting financially. It is also true that although there are women who tolerate men who fool around other women, they do not encourage that at all. They have even threatened to 'bus the girl's ass'.

So cut out the foolishness. Make up your mind whether you want this man or not. If you want this man who is in Jamaica, tell your children's father to forget you and stay with his wife, but please continue to send support for the children.

Pastor