Mom hates my husband

Dear Pastor,

My mother doesn't like my husband. I have been with him for almost two years, but we just got married in August.

I really love him; I try to go see him at least once every two months. He's living in Jamaica and I'm living in the States. For some reason, my mother doesn't like him. She has never met him. I don't know how much she knows about him, but I limit what I tell her. She assumes that I am taking care of this guy and every cent I have, I send it for him. Most people think that everyone in Jamaica needs help, or they are living worse than us. The guy is able to support himself and his children. He owns his home and has a vehicle. Sometimes I send money for him and his mom, but my mother doesn't know all of this.

The other day I called my mom and told her that I am planning to marry him. She was so mad; she told me that she was going to end the call because she couldn't believe I was that stupid. I told her I wasn't done talking to her, and so she couldn't avoid the conversation. She went on and on about how stupid I am, and this man is using me for a green card, and when he gets here he's going to take half of what I have and leave me. I really don't know what is wrong with her. I know what she is saying is possible, but that doesn't mean our relationship won't work. We were on the phone arguing for over 30 minutes. I told her that I have made up my mind and I was going to do it with or without her presence. The last thing she said was that if I marry him, I can consider her a walking dead because she would be done with me. I have to choose between her and him.

Pastor, my mom really needs to stop this. She can't give me a solid reason why he is not right for me. Also, me being with this guy doesn't change the relationship I have with her. I still pay most of her bills and send her money monthly. She wants me to date an older guy. I was with that man before I met my husband. My ex was a great person but he has a girlfriend. My mother would rather I stay with this man, who has a partner, because he is in a better position.

What I didn't mention is that when I told my mom we were going to get married, I was already married. We decided to do a private wedding with only two witnesses. I don't want to keep such a secret from my mom, but I can't deal with the negativity. My husband thinks that I have spoilt my mother too much and that is why she still treats me like a child.

I am now asking if you think I should leave it as it is, or find a way to tell her I am now married? I don't want to mess up the relationship with my mother, but I also don't want her to drive away my husband. I need your advice, please.

S.J.

Dear S.J.,

You got married without informing your mother. I understand why you did so.

Even if you had told her that you were going to get married and you had given her the date of the wedding, she would have cursed you nevertheless. Your mother behaves as if she has the right to choose for you. I know that you want to remain respectful to her, but you should quietly remind her that you are an adult and you have a right to choose your partner.

You love your husband, and whether you tell her now or later that you got married, her attitude towards him will not change. You can continue to assist your mother, but you are not under any obligation to fully support her. It is totally up to you whether to tell her about your marriage or not. She will eventually find out.

I hope your husband will treat you well. Stay with him, and don't allow your mother to spoil the good relationship that you are enjoying. I wish you well. The older gentleman who your mother loves so much is perhaps a very good man too, but your heart is not with him. I hope that you would tell the older gentleman that you do not love him, but you wish him well.

Pastor