Deadbeat husband still trying to borrow my money

Dear Pastor,

My husband and I are in our early 30s. We both work. We have been together for four years and have been married for two.

I have a child from a past relationship and so does he. When we met, he was in debt and about to be thrown out of the house he rented. I suggested that he could come and stay with me at my parents' home until he was able to sort himself out. I took care of all the bills. I did not ask him for any money. He took care of all his debts.

He had a car which was expensive to maintain; I helped because I noticed that he is not good with stress. He often became angry and depressed. He started to drink and smoke. We even had a big fight and I had to sue him. That was a few months after we got married. I had asked him to move out, but the police officers begged me to give him some more time. He behaved as if he was sorry for what he did, but my heart had turned cold towards him.

I inherited a house and we both refurbished it and lived together for a year. He became even more aggressive and fought me in front of my child. He started to drink and smoke again. He's always accusing me of cheating, which I have never done, and threatening me. He fought me in front of my child again, so I called the police and threw him out. I don't know where he is staying.

Currently, we are separated and I feel that I am at peace. My house stays clean and food lasts longer. He denies ever doing me any wrong, then at times says I deserve it because I'm annoying. He then showed me that he still owes a lump sum. He asked me to loan him some money to help repay it, but I refused. That is why he is resenting me. I told him to let us get counselling because he has anger issues, and often makes bad financial choices which affect me. He said he is fine, he knows his faults, and it's me who needs help because I'm not a submissive woman.

Pastor, how can I be submissive to a man who is disrespectful to me for not helping him with his bad choices and does nothing for me? If he asks me to buy him something and I refuse, he gets upset and malices me for days. He says nasty things towards me, but I have a thick skin. If I return the insults, he gets angry and says I am disrespectful. This man looks at me as if he sees garbage, and he finds it hard to do anything for me. He pops up occasionally when we are on good terms, but he only wants to sleep with me.

If he wants a divorce, that's on him, but I am moving on. Because he helped to refurbish the house, I don't mind him staying and helping out 50/50 on the bills. But he is not helping due to his debts, and has no respect on top of it. He wants to come back but I don't know about that, because he acts like he is getting mad.

I am looking forward for your honest opinion because I am mentally done. Keep up the good work.

Strong Wife

Dear Strong Wife,

I wish I could encourage you to go back to your husband, but it would be wrong for me to do so.

This man deceived you. He tricked you. You became sorry for him and invited him to live in your parents' home. You should have checked him out before inviting him to live with you. The man came into your parents' house and acted like a beast. He didn't have any respect for your parents nor for you. Many times, I have told women that they should not get involved with men who are deeply in debt. Keep out of debt. The only type of debt you should have is essential debt, which is a student loan or mortgage for your own home, and you should endeavour to pay that off quickly.

This man knew what he did. He abused you. He has no shame in coming back to you and asking you for more loans. I hope you will get back all the money that he owes you. You are still a young girl; fight to free yourself, and try to invest. Perhaps you need to discuss with a lawyer how you may get back all the money that he owes you.

Pastor