This man keeps making me backslide

Dear Pastor,

May God bless and keep you and sustain you in this ministry He has given to you, and may your days be long and prosperous.

I am writing for two reasons: one is to seek your advice as an earthly and spiritual father, and two, I am hoping that my partner will see this letter and understand the turmoil I am having in our relationship. I recently moved to the US as a teacher. I am 39 and I have no children. I got married very early but divorced eight years later. I have spent the greater part of my life working hard and investing in my education.

In 2020, I re-dedicated my life to the Lord and with that, I started practising abstinence from sex and I was OK with that. In 2020, I relocated and met a Jamaican man. I really didn't want a relationship at the time, but he persisted even when I was truly awful to him and we started dating. The challenges started too. Though God-fearing, he isn't born again and was raised Catholic, and chooses to believe the parts of the Bible that suit him.

We have had sex and the turmoil I have been in over that betrayal has devastated me. I knew God forgave me, but I carried the consequences inside my mind because the relationship I invested in building with God was based on intimacy and my obedience; I broke His trust. I couldn't function, I had nightmares and had I allowed it, depression would have overtaken me. Most days I don't know how I survived. I cried day and night and before God, I didn't know what to do or say to make up for my betrayal due to my disobedience.

I told my partner I could not continue in fornication and stopped having sex with him. But he can't and won't understand. I have tried to end things multiple times. We stopped communicating for months and he somehow finds himself back where I am. He tells me he feels rejected and unwanted and I understand. But how do I make him see I can't choose him over God? I have told him we are not compatible and should break apart, but that isn't sustained. I should not have broken my vows to God in the first place, but I did and now he says things like "How am I pure if I am not a virgin?"

Pastor, I love and respect this man. I hate to hurt him and I do not wish to embarrass him. We have talked about marriage, but he says he is not ready and I will not force him. The last thing I want to say is, he has not introduced me to his family. It has been two years and I do not know where he lives. His mom died and he was devastated because they were very close and I was not invited to the funeral. While he says he loves me and that he wants a future with me, I don't see where he is practically trying to make it happen. Sometimes I feel like a fool. I am alone in this country. I want my own family and time isn't really on my side. But, Pastor, I will choose to not have these things to keep my relationship with God.

Please, what do you suggest? Thank you.

K.A.

Dear K.A.,

This man has made a fool of you and whether you realise it or not, he only wants you for sex - nothing more.

He will never marry you. He doesn't consider you good enough for him and that is why he has never introduced you to his mother or to anyone who he considers to be his relative.

I believe that you sincerely wanted to serve God and that is why you started to practise abstinence. Yes, I believe you were honestly trying to please God, but that did not work. What an awful shame that a man you love did not even tell you when his mother's thanksgiving service was going to be held. Forgive yourself for making you a fool. Start life all over again. You are not an old woman, read your Bible and pray. Perhaps God has a better man for you.

I will be praying for you too.

Pastor