My mom’s caregiver wants her man to move in

Dear Pastor,

I am a 40-year-old woman who still reads your column. I am married and I have three children but they are grown and on their own.

My mother is 80 and she is in Jamaica. She was staying with me in New York but every day she said she wanted to go back to Jamaica. While she was here, my father visited Jamaica and died. My mother kept saying that she should have gone with him, because he may not have died. There is nothing I could tell her to convince her to stay in America.

My father had a son who is in Jamaica; he and I are not very close but my father loved him. My husband and I are happy. We see to it that my mother is taken care of. She gets her pension from the company she worked with in America. She also gets her social security. My mother is very sharp; she keeps up to date about everything. We found a woman who is in her 60s to be in charge of the house. This woman does a good job and she and my mother have become very good friends.

Recently, my mother told me that the woman might be leaving her because she has found a man, or perhaps a man has found her. The caregiver told us that, if we want her to stay and continue to take care of my mother, the gentleman would have to stay at the house too. My mother told her that cannot work. The man has slept at the house with the caregiver without my mother's permission, and my mother found out and told the woman that it must not happen again because she is a Christian and she can't allow a man to come and sleep with her and they are not married. The caregiver told my mother that the man was not sleeping with her. My mother was upset, so she called me. I tried my best to cool her down.

I spoke to the caregiver and she said that she does not want to give up the job because she enjoys working for my mother and with us. We pay this woman $10,000 per week and she doesn't have to provide meals for herself. She eats whatever she prepares for my mother. We do not want this woman to leave, because we trust her and she is good company for my mother. Whenever my mother has to see the doctor, she accompanies her. My husband and I are planning to visit Jamaica at the end of February to see if we can get my mother to accept the caregiver's man, as they are planning to get married soon.

Y.J.

Dear Y.J.,

I am glad that you continue to read my column. You seem to have a very happy marriage.

I am also glad that your children have done well and that your mother is in good health. She is very fortunate to have a caregiver she can trust. The woman is in her 60s and now she has found someone she loves. It is not an unreasonable request that they are making of your mother, or of you.

This woman would continue to work and take care of your mother, if her partner could live in the house with her. What would be required is that you find out everything you can about this man, because he would become like part of your family. Does this man have a criminal record? Would he take care of the house? Would he be living at the house for free? Would you ask him to make any contribution at all?

Your mother's caregiver is living at the house for free. She does not have to contribute to the upkeep of the house or to pay for food. Would this man expect to live there for free also? I believe that these are things that you should discuss with the caregiver and the man. Your mother has got accustomed to this lady, so I do suggest that, if proper arrangements can be made, you should not fire her. Allow her to stay with her new guy. But, remember, your mother should still have the final word. That's the way I see it.

Pastor