My family says my man is too young and broke

Dear Pastor,

First, let me thank you for the great advice you have been giving over the years. I am a young lady in my late 20s. I am a God-fearing person and an active member in my church. Several months ago, I met a gentleman who is just leaving his teens. We were friends, and then it turned into something more. We were from two different denominations, so he came over to mine. I never forced him to do so. I also made it clear that if he was coming into my faith because of me, then he should not.

The relationship has got more serious. We always spend time in group settings to avoid fornication. He is thinking about going to the pastor so we can get counselling and officially start courting.

Pastor, I really love this man, but the age difference is a great problem for me. I feel as if I am robbing him of his life. He always gets upset when I tell him to get someone in his age group. He works and is also educated. However, I earn more than he does. I am also worried that I will have to be the breadwinner in the relationship. That's not a great fear because I see potential in him, and all he needs is motivation and to be steered in the right direction.

I am willing to work with this young man because he makes me happy. The problem is with my family members. They are cursing and telling me that I should not be in a relationship with him because he has nothing and he doesn't live anywhere. I don't want my family to write me off. I really do love him.

What should I do?

S.K.

Dear S.K.,

Evidently, your relatives believe that you have made a very poor choice in a man. They believe that you should be able to get a better man who has material things. You have found yourself in love with a man who has nothing. The only thing that he can offer you is his love for you. He doesn't earn much, and you are even concerned about whether he will be able to support a home.

You are also concerned about his age. Contrary to what many believe, nothing is wrong if a woman marries a man who is younger than herself. However, the age difference should not be very wide. Women who marry men who are much younger than themselves often see them as their junior, and some rudely call them 'boys' whenever they make suggestions to them. Men who are in that situation are often made to feel like they should keep quiet and allow their women to have full control in all things.

'YOU ARE A BOY'

I vividly remember a couple coming to see me. The woman was much older than the man, and right in my presence, his fiancEe kept saying to him: "You are a boy." I was not comfortable with the situation, so I did not officiate at the wedding, but another pastor did so. The marriage was not successful. The man had to prove that he was not a boy, and eventually that marriage ended in a divorce.

However, I could not discourage you from marrying this man mainly on the grounds that he is much younger than you. But, I must caution you to treat this man well, respect him, and avoid raising the matter of his age whenever you are having a dispute among yourselves. Do not give him the impression that because you are much older and you are more knowledgeable than he is, he should keep quiet.

If you have concerns about this man's age, do not go further in the relationship. I really do not know what you mean when you say you are worried that you might be the breadwinner. If this man does not have a good job, he needs to go back to school or get a skill so that he will be able to earn enough, and then both of you can put together to run a home. If a man is not working, he is not ready to get married.

You say that you are a Christian. Well, let me tell you what the Bible says. The Bible says: "But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel,. (1 Timothy 5:8.).

No woman, regardless of how much she loves a man, will remain with him for a long period of time if he has nothing to bring to the table. That is why you hear people repeat the words of the Mighty Sparrow, "no money, no love," and in the same famous calypso, he says: "You cannot make love on hungry belly."

Perhaps your relatives are trying to tell you that although you think you love this guy, you should think about your future and not jump into anything that may cause you pain in the years ahead. Pray about the matter. Go for counselling, or call a family counsellor if you think you need further help. I will be praying for you.

Pastor