My 75-y-o friend wants to be my lover

Dear Pastor,

This is the first time I am writing to you, but I am one of your regular readers. When I read your column I wonder why some people can't learn. Men are tricking women and women are tricking men; lots of scamming are going on. Young men have tried to trick me. Some of them could be my sons. When I tell them my age, they say I am not talking the truth.

I am 48 years old and I have three children. My first child has already given me a grandchild. She and her child are living with me because the relationship with her child's father and herself did not work out. I have refused to allow him to come to my house as he pleases. He hardly supports his child. He wanted my daughter to move in with him. He does not even hold a steady job. I told my daughter that she can go and live with him, but I would not allow him to be in and out of my house.

I do not have a man in my life right now. Sometimes, the way I see these men behave, I don't even care to have one. I go out with my friends sometimes. There is a man who lives in my neighbourhood who I consider a gentleman. Many people would see us together and think that he is my man, but he is not. We are just good friends. This man has never touched me, though he has indicated that it is time for us to take our friendship to a higher level. I want our relationship to stay right on the level that it is.

Recently, I wanted to see a play and I made sure that I bought the tickets for both of us. While we were there, I gave him the money to buy refreshments during the break. He has children and he was married once, but is now divorced.

I have a concern. He is 75 years old. I don't know if he could 'manage', if I should agree to take him on as my lover. My children respect him and they look at him as my special friend. He likes to talk a lot about sex. But most men who talk about sex are not good at it. I am still paying for my house, but very soon I will pay it off. I don't want a man to help me pay my mortgage. I live in a very nice three-bedroom house and I am very comfortable. Sometimes I tell myself that I need a man, but it means that I would have to drop this man, who is so dear to me.

I have friends who are divorced, and some of them play around. I don't want to be like them. What do you think I should do?

M

Dear M.,

You are a mature woman and you have had relationships that did not work. Even one of your daughters got pregnant by a man who has proven not to be a good man. I am glad that she is able to be with you, and that you can still give her guidance and help her the very best way you can. She would learn from her mistake.

I agree with you. The young man should not feel that he has a right to be in and out of your place.

Concerning this gentleman who is a good friend of yours, every woman needs such a friend. She doesn't have to go to bed with him, but she can go out from time to time with him. You say whenever you go out, you spend your money. Nothing is wrong with that, because you are the one who has invited him out. But there are times he should invite you out and spend his money. If he is 75 years old, he is likely a pensioner. Spending a little money on you or to go out with you shouldn't leave him broke. But, perhaps you like to feel independent all the time, and nothing is wrong with that.

If you were to decide to get married, you should definitely consider this man, as you wouldn't have anything to lose. I wish you well.

Pastor