I think my wife is planning to leave me

Dear Pastor,

I am a 65-year-old man and I am married, but I am not functioning as a married man. I suspect that my wife is seeing some other man. She has become very aggressive and we do not communicate as well as before.

She went to New York for two weeks. She called me when she landed and after a few days, I was hoping to hear from her, but she did not call. I called her and asked her how she was doing. She said she was having a good time. Her brother and his wife were taking her all over the place. She told me I should save some money and when she could call me, she would, because it would be cheaper for her to call me. I told her that I missed her, and I asked her if she didn't miss me. She said the time was too short for her to miss me.

I told one of my brothers what she said. He told me that meant she had somebody she is going out with, apart from her brother and his wife. I told my brother that the thought came to my mind, but I didn't believe that she would do so because she is a Christian, and he said, "You can stay there and fool yourself." I became very concerned.

When the two weeks were up and she should have come home, I was hoping to hear from her. She did not call, so I called, and she said she was spending another week. A couple of days after that call, she called and said she got a job, but it was only for a month; and we need the money so she would work. If I wanted, she would bring all the money to me. I told her we need the money, so she should just remain and work.

It has been six months now; she has not returned, and I am lonely. I do not understand why she is not coming home. I spoke to her brother, and he told me that he cannot speak for her because she is a big woman, but he told her to tell me the truth. I asked him what is the truth. He said what he understands from her is that she does not want to come back to Jamaica. The job she got is to take care of an old lady, and the lady's children are paying her well. He told me to go on and live my life because it does not seem as if my wife wants me any more.

This woman and I have been married for 20 years. I took her with two children. Their father was not supporting them, but I did. When I spoke to them, they said they didn't understand what their mother was doing. They even told me that their mother has backslid. These two girls are wonderful Christians and they are active in church. My wife has totally stopped talking to me. I have not done her anything bad.

We have an account together and the house is in both of our names. The last time I talked to her, she said that she has not changed and whenever she is ready, she will come home. Sometimes I cannot eat. I have lost weight. I used to have a beer occasionally, but I am drinking more than normal. I do not want my stepchildren to lose respect for me. They have never seen me with a woman since their mother left, but I am thinking about that now.

How long am I going to wait for this woman to return? I need your advice, please.

R.J.

Dear R.J.,

Y our brother has told you enough for you to be aware that your wife is no longer interested in the relationship.

She has probably fallen in love with America. Although she is working there illegally, she is willing to take her chances. Frankly speaking, I believe that you ought to be prepared to hear her tell you at any time that she is not coming back and is planning to divorce you. I think her brother was trying to tell you that his sister is not interested in you any more.

You have an excellent relationship with your stepdaughters. Have a little meeting with them and ask them to find out from their mother what her plans are. But be careful how far you push your wife. Insisting that she returns to Jamaica would not improve your relationship. If she returns, she might be in Jamaica in body, but her heart will not be with you. So, wait on her, my friend. Whatever she decides to do, let her do it.

You would like to save your marriage, but if she is not interested in doing that, you should allow her to go her own way. That may sound tough, but that is how I see it.

Pastor