Daughter is dating a man my age

Dear Pastor,

I read your column occasionally. I am a little depressed, so I thought of writing to you for your advice.

I am a 55-year-old man. I was once married, but my wife has passed on. I have a female visitor who would like us to get married, but I am not so inclined at the moment. She is 40 years old and has had several partners. But they all left her and married other women. She said she asked them to get out of her life because they were all players. She is a very lovely woman, but I am not in any hurry to get married.

As a single man, I feel very free to do whatever I wish and to go wherever I want with my friends. But that is not the reason why I am writing to you. I have only one child. She is 18 years old and she is living here with me. She is the apple of my eye. All that I have, she will inherit. But I am disappointed in her. I knew the day would come when she would have a man. I have tried to counsel her, but I am disappointed. She attended a very good prep school. She also attended what I would consider one of the best high schools in Jamaica. Every year, I sent her abroad to spend time with relatives. I will not tell lies on her; she has never been rude to me. People respect her. But my heart is broken.

This 18-year-old girl has now found a man, and believe me, the man is one year older than I am. When she told me she wanted me to meet her boyfriend, I thought it was someone in her age group. When I saw the man I almost fainted, and I told her that she must be crazy. I used the 'F' word to express myself and I turned away. When the man saw my reaction, he told her to come with him because I will get over it.

This man has been taking my daughter to spend time with him on the north coast. I told her that if she does not break up with him, I am going to throw her out. This man was married before but due to his infidelity, his wife divorced him. They have three children. It seems to me that I have lost my daughter because I could never accept this man as my son-in-law. Tell me if I am wrong in the position I have taken. I would rather give everything I have to charity, because to let my daughter have this house and another property I have, is like giving them to this man. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

L.M.

Dear L.M.,

You know that your daughter is old enough to have a man in her life. That is not the issue.

What you are upset about is the choice she has made. This man and you can pass as brothers. He is only one year older than you. Some girls become involved with older men because they are seeking to have a father figure. But you have always been in your daughter's life, so that is not the reason why she is having a relationship with this man. It cannot be because this man has money and can take care of her. You have been taking care of her. You have sent her to what we may describe as 'good schools'. Perhaps, in her heart, this is the best man she could have found.

I must ask you, please do not tell your daughter to leave your house if she continues to have a relationship with this man. When you think about her and this man, it might be painful indeed, but don't suggest that she should leave. You may say that she should not bring him to your house, but do not close the door on her, and do not curse her. Don't tell her that she doesn't have any ambition or that she is worthless. Have her relatives speak to her, but I beg you, don't turn her away from your house.

Pastor