Dating for two years and still no ring

Dear Pastor,

Greetings to you. I am 25 and I have been dating a man for two years. I have found myself loving him more than I love myself.

I am always trying to please him, but he wants me to do more, and I am tired of all the things he wants me to do. What would please me the most is for us to get married, but he is always making excuses and telling me that marriage will eventually come. He said we are doing much better than some people who are married.

My mother told me that it is time for me to see that this man is a time waster. I can't go out with any other man because he is always watching me. He knows what time I should be home from work. He calls me while I am travelling home, and by the time I get home, he calls again. I would love to have a child, but I do not want one out of wedlock. He does not seem to understand why I don't want to have a child out of wedlock. I told him that my parents were married before they started to have children. He said that we are living in a different age. I love this man dearly, but my mother is telling me that I should leave him because if I don't, I may end up 'on the shelf'.

I am in good health and have a good job. I don't depend on this man for anything. Almost everything in our apartment is mine. My parents have seven children, and I am the only girl. My father is a well-known businessman, so he bought me the bed that this man and I sleep on. The only thing this man bought is the couch. My godfather bought me a dining table and four chairs. Pastor, I can cook, but I don't like to. This man loves to cook, and that is one of the things I would miss if I decide to leave him. I have asked him many times if he has another woman, and he is always telling me no, but why can't we get married? He said he is not ready.

One day, I was frustrated and depressed. I started to cry while I was at work. My boss saw me crying and called me into his office and asked me what was the problem. I told him that my boyfriend is not willing to make any commitment to me. He offered to talk to my boyfriend, but when I told him that we should go and see my boss, he said that he was not prepared to go, and he would not be surprised if my boss is 'looking me'. Recently, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that if he cannot tell me when we could get married by August, I would leave him because I will be 26 in August. When I met him, I told him I wanted two children before I am 30.

Do you think this man has another woman? What should I do? I am tired of waiting. I even bought an engagement ring because I wanted to keep other men away. Do you think I am stupid? I will be looking for your reply in your column.

B. E.

Dear B. E.,

I do not believe that you are foolish. What I know for sure is that you are desperate.

You have found yourself in a relationship with a man who is constantly telling you that he is not ready to get married, but he is not telling you what he is waiting for. Perhaps, you have stayed with him for too long because it is evident that he is making a fool out of you; but you are not a fool. I don't often encourage women to give men an ultimatum, but I think in your case I must definitely support you in telling this man that you need to know where the relationship is going. If he is not prepared to marry you by August, you should leave him. Your mother is quite correct. If you don't put your foot down, very soon you will be 30 and your plans to have children by that time would not be realised.

Two years is long enough for a man to know whether or not he would marry the woman he says that he loves.

Pastor