Hard to fight these sexual urges

Dear Pastor,

I am 16 and I am living with my aunt. She took me in when I was 10. I remember how upset she was when she came to visit my mother, who was living with a man who was not my father.

It was a one-bedroom place. My mother used a sheet to separate my bed from hers. My aunt quarrelled with her and told her that she should not have me sleeping in that space with her man there. My aunt told her to pack my things because she was not going to leave me and go back to Kingston. I was happy to leave, but also sad to leave my mother. My mother's man was very kind to me. But even at that age, I knew when my mother and this man were having sex because I could hear them. Sometimes they thought I was asleep, but I wasn't.

At my aunt's house, I had my own bedroom because she did not have any children. My aunt questioned me about my mother and I told her everything. My aunt is a nurse and she had her own car. She took me to school and when she could not pick me up, she arranged with a man to do so. She was very strict. I didn't even know how to light a stove, because my mother used coal stove. We had a pit toilet, so for the first time I went into the bathroom with a toilet bowl, it was so strange. When I was 14, a man in the community told me that he loved me. I told my aunt and she found him and gave him a proper cursing. The man told her that he was only joking. She told him that I am her daughter and she would report him to the police. So he never said another word.

I am still in high school, but I am having sexual urges. I have girlfriends who are having sex. I fantasise a lot. I sometimes feel lonely and bored. I masturbate. Sometimes when I am alone, I read some of the books my aunt has about sex and masturbation. But she does not know that I read them. I have never had sex, but I have a guy who loves me, and I love him. He has asked me for sex, but I told him I am not ready. He said he would wait on me. My aunt has cautioned me. She said that if I should do well in my examinations, she would pay the fees to send me to university. I am very proud of my aunt. Perhaps if she did not take me out of my mother's house I would have got pregnant already.

Do you think that I am bad because I am talking this way? I am just trying to express myself to you. I hope you do not consider me an out-of-order girl.

Teenager

Dear Teenager,

I thank you for your letter. You will always be grateful to your aunt for rescuing you. Your mother was in a situation that perhaps she could not have avoided.

I remember, years ago, a dear lady told me that she did not have much help. She was living in a situation similar to what you related. She had different men visiting her late into the night; she had sex with them and they gave her money. This lady told me that one of the men used to come in the dead of the night, and her 15-year-old daughter was not sleeping. But that man would harass her and have sex with her, and he was very loud. She said one night he carried on and when he was finished, he gave her money and left. In the morning she could not look at her daughter; she was so ashamed. But her daughter said to her, "Mommy, it is alright, I know what you are going through, I heard everything last night, but it is alright."

You knew what your mother was going through, but your aunt took you out of that situation. You had to adjust to the way your aunt was living. You are in high school. At your age, it is normal for a girl to have sexual urges. Some girls masturbate much earlier than at age 16. But these are areas in your life that you should talk to your aunt about. She will understand.

I do not consider you a bad girl. What I do not want you to do is to come under peer pressure and begin to do what some of your female friends are doing. You have not stated the career of your choice. But whatever it is, work hard towards it. Be respectful to your aunt and please, do not abandon your mother. The time may come when you may be able to rescue her.

I wish you well.

Pastor