Husband doesn’t want me anymore

Dear Pastor,

I was married but for some reason my husband and I did not get along. He wanted to control my every move.

He is much older than I am and sometimes he would talk to me as if I was a little child. I grew up in church and when he met me, I was very active. I was singing on the choir and teaching Sunday school. He started attending church because of me. But looking back, I do not believe that my husband was ever a true Christian.

I had the chance to further my studies. When I discussed it with him, he encouraged me to do so. He was eager for me to go. So I told myself that this was a way to get away from him and to see if he would miss me. So I took the opportunity and left. Many times when I called, my husband was not at home. Then whenever we talked, he said he must have been sleeping or his phone was turned down.

I have a twin sister and I asked her to visit him and to see if everything was alright. She did so several times and she told me that he seemed to be happy and she did not see anything that would make her believe that another woman was living there. I finished my first year of study. I told my husband that I was looking forward to coming home and he discouraged me. He said Jamaica has become too hard so I should try to stay. I became very suspicious. I told my sister and she asked him about it. He told her that he did not want to remain married, and the nearly two years I was away made him realise that we didn't have to be together. I could not believe it.

We have two children together and they are now with me. They have done very well. I don't know what my husband is doing in Jamaica but I have never had another man touch me. I believe my vows are sacred. I could have had other guys. Many have tried to date me and to take me out for drinks, but I have never yielded. My husband and I are not divorced. I told my husband that I was coming to Jamaica and he told me that it was a bad time because he was leaving for another country, but he did not mention where. So I knew that our marriage was dead. We haven't had any major argument but it is hard when I look back at where I am coming from and how I trusted this man. Please, for your thoughts.

D.E.

Dear D.E.,

Your husband probably fell in love with you when he first saw you, but that love came to nothing. It is a pity that when you saw his behaviour you did not encourage him for both of you to go and seek the help of a family counsellor. I am even wondering whether both of you went through premarital counselling before you got married. As an older man to a younger woman, that would have been necessary.

Your husband encouraged you to go on the course. He wanted you out of his sight, so to speak. During that time, he felt that he could do without you. I congratulate you for not getting involved with any man abroad. Your sister said that she has been to the house and she has not seen any sign that he has another woman.

I believe that you should return to Jamaica and do your best to reconcile with your husband. If you have a job, return to it. Do not do anything to give your husband the impression that you don't care about him or the relationship in general. Ask him if he would agree for both of you to go to counselling. If he doesn't want to seek professional help, then you would know that there is no future in the marriage. He has never told you that he never wants you back. He has come close to that by saying that you should remain in America. I can't imagine how unhappy you are, but keep courage.

Whenever your sister is visiting, you can tell her right in front of your husband that things are not going well and see how your husband reacts. If he says that you are crazy or lying to him, that would give you an opportunity to tell him the struggles you are having in the relationship. If this man is not interested in going with you to a counsellor, you may have to begin to talk to a lawyer.

Pastor